


Hide Your Love Away

by heartsopenminds



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: 2009 Era (Phandom), Angst with a Happy Ending, Asexual Character, Asexual Phil Lester, First Kiss, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-06
Updated: 2020-01-24
Packaged: 2021-02-27 04:35:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 6,907
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22151158
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/heartsopenminds/pseuds/heartsopenminds
Summary: When Phil had first started noticing Dan, it was from his comments on Phil’s YouTube videos. He’d been so complimentary and so enthusiastic even about Phil's most experimental and unusual videos that it had seemed natural to take the conversation onto Twitter and then to start messaging each other.With all the attention and flattery, Phil had started to think maybe Dan wanted to be more than just friends, but then he’d casually dropped a mention of his girlfriend into the conversation, and Phil’s mind had been put at ease. Dan was in a relationship, and more than likely straight, not to mention totally out of his league, so surely he had nothing to worry about on that front....
Relationships: Dan Howell/Phil Lester
Comments: 13
Kudos: 71





	1. Chapter 1

Phil looks at his phone, smiling as he sees a notification that Dan’s messaged him again. Over the last couple of months, he’s been bombarding Phil with comments, tweets and then DMs, and contact with him has slowly become a fixture in Phil’s day. Since starting YouTube, he’s got to know lots of new people, but no one else has popped up out of the blue and been so persistent and determined as Dan has been. He’s managed to make himself a space in Phil’s life in a pretty short space of time, and Phil has been amazed at how much the two of them have in common. He actually has his suspicions as to whether Dan might be exaggerating his enthusiasm just a little bit in order to get Phil’s attention. If he is, Phil has to admit it’s working.

One of the things Phil loves about doing YouTube is meeting new people and making new friends. At school, and even at uni, he’d felt like he needed to apologise for his quirky personality and weird habits and should feel grateful to find friends who’d actually put up with him, but online he’d easily found people who actually seemed to like him and his strange ways, who really liked those aspects of his personality rather than simply humouring him.

When Phil had first started noticing Dan, it was from his comments on Phil’s YouTube videos. He’d been so complimentary and so enthusiastic even about Phil's most experimental and unusual videos that it had seemed natural to take the conversation onto Twitter and then to start messaging each other.

With all the attention and flattery, Phil had started to think maybe Dan wanted to be more than just friends, but then he’d casually dropped a mention of his girlfriend into the conversation, and Phil’s mind had been put at ease. Dan was in a relationship, and more than likely straight, not to mention totally out of his league, so surely he had nothing to worry about on that front....

It was silly really, for him to get anxious about that. Just because he’d had a situation a few months earlier that hadn’t ended well, it didn’t mean he had to start being suspicious of everyone who tried to reach out to him online. He’d met someone through YouTube who he’d really liked and had hoped could become something more than a friend. They’d really connected, and the chatting had led to flirting which led to eventually meeting up. Phil had loved those early stages, the butterflies in his stomach whenever they talked, the thrill that came from realising that a boy he liked really liked him too.

The problems started soon after they met up, when Charlie started to realise that maybe Phil didn’t want all the same things out of a relationship that he did. It had lead to arguments, and accusations, and tears, and Phil didn’t want to put himself in a position to be hurt like that again. It had brought up all his old insecurities from when he’d been at uni and had first started trying to date.

He’s glad that his friendship with Dan is uncomplicated. They get on well, have the same sense of humour and he’s going to give Dan some advice to help him start posting his own videos on YouTube, that’s all there is to it.

He opens his messages and clicks on his conversation with Dan.

He’s sent Phil his Skype details and asked if he’s free that evening and whether Dan could give him a call? Phil smiles and messages back, saying that he’ll be online from around nine and would speak to Dan then.

Later that evening, Phil is watching Dan’s face in pixelated form, fascinated at how different it feels to actually be talking to him rather than just writing endless messages. When the call had first connected, Dan had clearly been nervous, ducking his head to look up at Phil shyly, and endlessly fiddling with his fringe. He’d eventually confessed that over the time they’d been getting to know each other, he’d pretty much moved past his hero worship stage, seeing the real Phil rather than his YouTube persona, but having Phil actually talking to him through his webcam had brought all those feelings back and made him feel kind of awkward and overwhelmed.

Phil had thought that was pretty adorable, and he’d tried not to tease Dan too much about it but he couldn’t help making the odd dig. Before long, they’d fallen into easy conversation, and they’d already been chatting for over an hour.

Dan was telling Phil all about his uni applications.

“My main goal is basically to get out of this place and as far away as possible. I just want to be somewhere that I can start over, get away from my family and just be myself without everyone looking over my shoulder and judging me. I can’t wait for a fresh start,” Dan confesses.

Phil had suspected that Dan wasn’t exactly happy at home, but he hadn’t realised quite how strongly he felt about it until now.

“So where do you think you’ll apply? Got anywhere particular in mind?” he asked.

Dan reeled off a list of names, and then hesitated. “And also, um, Manchester.”

Phil perked up at that. “Manchester? That would be amazing! I’d love to have more YouTube friends living round here, we could meet up all the time!”

Dan looked relieved. “Yeah, it would be pretty great if I could get in. I was a bit worried about telling you I was applying there, to be honest. I thought it might come across a bit….well, you know.” His voice trailed off.

Phil giggled, his tongue pushing out between his teeth. “A bit like a creepy stalker?” he asked.

Dan’s face flushed. “Well, yeah, I did think about that. But you know, it’s a really good uni and one of the top places to study law so, you know, it makes sense.”

“Don’t worry, you haven’t frightened me off.”

“Thank God for that!” Dan swipes the back of his hand across his forehead in mock relief.

“And how about your girlfriend? Has she decided where she’s going?”

A frown flickers across Dan’s face. “Oh, yeah. She’s already got a place at Leeds, she applied last year so she’s already sorted.”

Phil smiles. “Well if you get into Manchester, you’ll only be about an hour away from each other on the train.” He carries in on a jokey tone. “I’m assuming of course that she’s not included in the people you want to get away from in your grand escape from your old life!”

Dan looks away from the screen for a moment, his mouth twisting in an odd expression. Phil realises he might have put his foot in it and offended Dan with his stupid joke.

“Dan? Sorry, I’m being an idiot, of course you wouldn’t be thinking that.” Phil says quickly, trying to repair the damage.

“That’s the thing though.” Dan sighs and bites his bottom lip. “I kind of….well, I think maybe I do need to take a break from her. I’m just… I’m not really sure if I want to be with her anymore.”

“Oh,” says Phil, unsure how to respond. He’s not really in a place to give out relationship advice, but he can see that Dan is upset and he wants to help if he can.

“Yeah. I…” He looks away from the webcam, obviously in turmoil about what to say next.

“You don’t have to tell me about it if you don’t want to, but I’m happy to be a listening ear if you need one.” Phil says softly.

Dan looks up at him and smiles. “Thanks, that means a lot.” He sighs again and rubs his hand across his mouth. “The thing is, when she went off on her gap year, we had a chat beforehand and she said that, maybe with her being away for such a long time, it would make sense for us to see other people. Just in a casual way, until she got back and we could pick things up again. But I’m such a jealous twat sometimes, I just couldn’t get my head around her wanting to be with other people. So I said no, that I wanted us to stay exclusive. But, well, it’s like after that conversation the seed was planted and well… I’ve done some things over the last couple of months that I’m not really proud of.”

“You’ve cheated on her?” Phil asks gently, no recrimination in his voice, just wanting to encourage Dan to continue with his story.

Dan looks down, and Phil can see the pain in his face. “Yeah, a couple of times. But it’s more complicated than that. The thing is that, I’ve never really been a hundred percent sure that being with her is right for me, even though we’ve been together years. There’s always been this nagging feeling that even though I really care about her, maybe I’ve stayed with her because it’s just easier than being on my own.”

“I’m sorry to hear that things haven’t been good for a while,” Phil says. “Sometimes it’s pretty complicated to work out how you really feel.”

“Yeah,” Dan says miserably. “And then there’s the fact that, uh…” He looks up at Phil with an almost defiant look in his eyes. “I don’t even know if I really want to be with girls, so I thought…I wanted to see what it would be like, to be with a guy.”

“Oh.” Phil’s stomach drops. He hadn’t seen that confession coming and he’s surprised at the way it makes him feel.

Dan peers at Phil through the webcam, studying his face to try and work out his reaction. “That’s something else I’ve been nervous to tell you about,” he admits quietly.

Phil’s heart breaks at seeing how difficult it is for Dan to talk about this. He might not have much advice to give when it comes to relationships, but he’s definitely gone through his own struggles with accepting his sexuality. He knows how hard it can be to open up and how much it had meant to him when people had been accepting and kind when he’d talked to them about it.

“Dan, you don’t need to be nervous to talk to me about anything. We’re friends, and I want to be here for you. I can’t say I’m any kind of expert, but you know I’ve been through a lot of the feelings you’re having now so maybe I can help.”

Dan’s expression changes, a genuine smile taking over his face and lighting up his features. Phil can see the relief on his face and is glad that he can be here for Dan, be someone he can trust and talk to about the feelings he’s clearly struggling to accept.

“Thanks Phil. You’re the first person I feel like I can really talk to about this stuff, and you don’t know how much that means to me. I’ve kept it all hidden away for years, hoping it’d just be a phase, but I’m pretty sure these feelings aren’t just going to go away.”

He looks away for a moment, lost in thought, then takes a deep breath and turns back to Phil.

“The thing is, I think on someone level I’ve know for years. There was this boy in my English class back in Year 8 who….”

Phil lets Dan carry on talking for the next hour or so, getting everything he needs to off of his chest and he can see how much lighter the other boy looks by the end of their conversation. He’s pleased that Dan has opened up to him, even though there's a chance that these revelations could bring some complications into their previously straightforward friendship.

He’d thought that Dan was happy with his girlfriend, and also not interested in guys and now he’s found out that neither of those things is true, but that didn’t necessarily mean anything would need to change between them. He's just helping a friend through a difficult time, he thinks as he says goodnight to Dan and agrees to talk to him again the same time the following night.


	2. Chapter 2

In the time since Dan’s confession over Skype, they’d continued to message and chat almost every day.

A few days after their first call, Dan had Skyped him with his face awash in relief, and told him that he’d broken up with his girlfriend. Phil had kept his face pleasantly neutral, despite the fact that he'd wanted to grin like a maniac. He was just pleased for Dan because he wouldn't have to carry that weight on his shoulders anymore, he told himself, it was good that Dan was free now to try new things and not need to feel guilty about it.

Phil worked hard to keep things purely platonic between him and Dan over the next few weeks, but he couldn’t help feeling a little thrill at Dan’s determination to make increasingly flirtatious comments and innuendos no matter how many times Phil steered their conversations back to more mundane topics. Phil could sense he was in danger of repeating his past mistakes, and he really didn’t want to jeopardise his friendship with Dan though, so he made sure to laugh off the inappropriate remarks or just change the subject.

But Dan was hard to resist, with his big brown eyes and cute smile and fringe falling over his forehead and Phil’s resolve had been wearing thin. Dan had started to drop more and more obvious hints about them meeting up, and that was how Phil finds himself at Piccadilly Station, waiting nervously with his neck craned, trying to spot a glimpse of Dan getting off the train from London.

He scans the crowd of people heading towards the ticket barriers, and then spots Dan, stuck behind some parents who are struggling to wrangle both their children and a pushchair and talking to each other through gritted teeth as they try not to argue in public. Dam politely makes his way past them and approaches the barriers, fumbling in his pockets for his ticket. Phil can feel the big beaming smile that's lighting up his face, and he can tell the moment that Dan spots him because he sees a matching expression mirrored back at him.

The first thing Dan says to him when they're finally together is “Wow, you’re really real!" Phil can't help laughing, it seems like fanboy Dan has made a bit of a comeback.

"Can I give you a hug just to make sure?” Dan asks, looking up at Phil shyly.

“Um yeah, sure.” Phil is knocked a pace or two backwards as Dan throws his arms around his neck and pulls him close. It’s a little overwhelming, and sort of unexpected, but it isn't terrible to have Dan’s body pressed against his and to feel his soft hair tickling the side of Phil's neck.

Dan pulls away, and then they start to make their way out of the station, side by side. Dan bounces along full of energy.

“So what are we going to do? I’ve never been to Manchester before so you’ll have to show me all the cool stuff. God, that train journey was boring, I’m so glad I’ve got all my music on my phone or I’d never have got through it. There was this one weird guy….”

Phil had been worried that things between them would be awkward, that in person somehow the connection they’d built over the last few months would disappear and Dan would suddenly realise how boring and ordinary Phil really is, but as the day goes on, he finds they never run out of things to say to each other. Dan is so much fun to be around and is interested in everything, and his attention seems to bring out the best side of Phil as well.

The day goes past in a blur and before Phil knows it, they’re sat side by side on the bus back to Rawtenstall, exhausted from a day of wandering around the city but still in good spirits.

They get back to Phil’s house and he gives Dan a quick tour, laughing hysterically at Dan’s proclamations that Phil lives in the actual haunted hotel from The Shining and his wide, terrified eyes when Phil talks about the ghost that lives in the guest room.

They order pizza and settle down on the couch in front of Kill Bill. When the food arrives, Phil gets up to answer the door, and brings the boxes through. Dan grabs one, opens it up and immediately stuffs almost an entire slice into his mouth in one bite, closing his eyes and making an extremely inappropriate noise at the first taste of cheesy goodness.

“Uhhhh, that’s so good,” he moans, and Phil is left open-mouthed, staring.

“I don’t think I’ve ever seen quite such an intense reaction to pizza before,” he remarks.

Dan opens his eyes and his cheeks flush a little pink.

“Sorry mate, you’re just going to have to get used to that. When I say I love pizza, I mean I really love pizza.”

Phil nods his head. “OK, noted. Orgasmic reaction to eating pizza, probably best to stick to home deliveries so you don’t shock any small children or little old ladies by doing that in public.”

Dan laughs and whacks him with a cushion. “Shut up, I’m not that bad,” he grins.

Phil just grabs a slice and does an exaggerated impression of Dan, moaning loudly as he bites into it and licking his lips in a lascivious way.

“Stop it you dork,” Dan says, definitely looking embarrassed now.

Phil giggles and says “OK, truce. I’ll let you get on with your pizza loving in peace if you’ll put the film back on.”

Dan presses play and they settle back down on the couch.

When all the food is gone and the film is finished, Phil picks up the rubbish and takes it out to dump it in the kitchen bin. 

He comes back in to find Dan putting on another DVD.

“I thought we could watch Wall-E, you said it’s one of your favourites?”

“Great!” Phil says, sitting back down on the couch. When Dan joins him, instead of taking the other end as he had earlier on, he sits down right in the middle of the couch next to Phil.

As the film starts, Dan shuffles himself closer and rests his head on Phil’s shoulder. Phil is tense, not having expected this and Dan must sense something because he tilts his head to look up at Phil.

“Is this alright?” he asks quietly.

Phil swallows. “Uh, sure,” he says. “That’s fine.”

Dan smiles and turns back to the film. Phil can hardly focus on what’s happening on the screen. All he can think about is how nice it feels to have the weight of Dan’s head resting on his shoulder, to smell the citrus fresh scent of his shampoo and feel his body heat all along his side where they’re pressed together.

A little further into the film, Dan yawns. 

“I’m getting sleepy,” he says. “All that walking around today and then stuffing myself with pizza. Do you have any blankets down here?”

Phil frowns. “Are you cold? I could turn the heating up if you want?”

Dan grins at him. “No, I’m not cold, I just like to snuggle under a blanket when I’m watching a movie.”

Phil can feel his face flush a little at that. He quickly wriggles out from beside Dan, hoping he won’t notice, and gets to his feet.

“Let me see what I can find.” He comes back a few moments later carrying a soft grey knitted throw.

“How about this?” he asks, holding it out to Dan. 

“Perfect,” Dan says, reaching out to grab it and then standing up.

Phil looks at him in confusion.

“Where are you going?” he asks

Dan laughs. “I’m not going anywhere, I’m just getting out of the way so you can lie down first.”

Phil’s eyebrows shoot upwards. “Lie down?” he stutters.

Dan grins at him, rolling his eyes. “Yes, you can’t do proper sofa snuggling sitting up! You lie against the back of the sofa and then I can fit in front of you.”

“Oh. Right,” Phil says, still standing there awkwardly.

Dan gives him a little shove. “Go on then,” he encourages Phil, who does what he’s told and lies down on his side, leaning against the back of the sofa.

Dan lies down in front of him, settling the blanket over them both and getting himself comfortable, positioning himself so that the entire back of his body is pressing against Phil’s front. He reaches behind him, grabs Phil’s hand and pulls so that his arm is settled around Dan’s waist, then reaches down and gets the remote from the floor to unpause the film.

Phil isn’t quite sure how they went from joking around and eating pizza less than an hour ago to suddenly being horizontal under a blanket, but Dan seems quite pleased with the situation, a satisfied smile playing on his lips.

It’s nice, this closeness. He likes Dan, and he likes being near him and it doesn’t really need to mean anything, does it? Nothing has really happened between them, they've just spent the day together as mates and this could just about be considered friendly behaviour. Granted, he’d never cuddled on the sofa with any of his other friends before, but this is as far as it’s going to go. He thinks of his firm resolve to himself before Dan’s arrival that he wasn’t going to let things get out of hand and he still means it.

When the film comes to an end, Dan stretches one arm above his head and yawns, then wriggles around under the blanket so that he’s suddenly facing Phil. His face is inches away, his hair all mussed from lying down and a small half smile on his face. Phil is hit with the realisation that he’s never seen anything so beautiful in all his life. The wave of emotion he feels for this boy takes him by surprise, it’s new and kind of scary and he doesn’t really know what to do with it.

“Phil?” Dan whispers, looking up at him with such warmth in his eyes. “Would it be OK if I kissed you?”

Phil stares at him, his heart pounding in his chest and his mouth suddenly dry. Part of him wants nothing more than to say yes, but he’s been in this situation before, more than once, and it’s never ended well. The inevitable accusations of being a tease, of leading people on, of playing games or being dishonest all crowd into his mind and he’s frozen, unable to respond.

Dan’s expression shifts, the openness and affection shifting towards concern.

“Phil? Are you OK?” he asks.

Phil wavers for a moment, wanting so much to give in to what his emotions are telling him to do but terrified of what will come afterwards. Then he sees anxiety flit over Dan's face, he can feel the tension starting to build between them and it's the last thing he wants, to make Dan feel like he's being rejected, that Phil doesn't think he's good enough for him.

After a long moment or two, Dan gives him a tentative smile.

“It’s OK if you don’t want to,” he says, and Phil can see the disappointment in his eyes that belies his words “I just thought that maybe-“

“No! I mean- yes!” Phil blurts out. “I mean, I do want to. To kiss you. Please.” he says, looking at Dan wide-eyed. It was the truth but he'd never imagined he'd be saying it out loud.

Dan's face lights up and all the awkwardness between them falls away as he leans forward to press their lips together, putting a stop to Phil’s rambling in the process. It’s everything Phil had dared to fantasise about and more. Dan’s lips are soft and warm and he feels himself just melt in to the kiss, head spinning. This is what he's been telling himself not to think about, not to let himself want ever since he realised he had feelings for Dan, this closeness and connection. But he's tired of holding back and right here in this moment, it feels wonderful.

Dan deepens the kiss, exploring Phil's mouth and the sensations running through his body are electric. Phil almost feels drunk on the feelings, lightheaded and woozy. He’s kissed other boys before, but he’s never felt anything like this. He could stay here forever with Dan, he thinks, and it wouldn’t be long enough.

Dan lets out a soft breathy moan, and moves to press himself even closer to Phil. It's starting to feel a little too warm under the blanket, but Phil is too caught up in the moment to do anything about it and Dan seems to feel the same way. 

Just then, he feels Dan shift uncomfortably, and feels a hard pressure against his hip. Phil’s eyes go wide as he realises what it is, and it brings him back down to earth with a thump. Of course just kissing isn’t going to be enough, he thinks. He’s such an idiot, he’s let himself get into the same old situation yet again, and this is the point where it’s all going to go wrong. Dan will realise that what Phil has to offer just isn’t enough for him, he’s going to want to touch more, and have more, and do more, and Phil won’t want that and Dan will reject him and-

Phil sits up so suddenly that Dan almost falls onto floor, looking up at him in alarm. Phil reaches out to steady him, then he scrambles to the other end of the sofa and pushes the blanket off, getting to his feet.

“Um, so, I’m really tired and you could probably do with getting some sleep and you’ve got a there blanket now so that’s good, and you know where the bathroom is so uh, sleep well I guess and I’ll see you in the morning!” Phil shoots Dan an apologetic smile and then almost trips over his own feet as he makes a dash for the living room door.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the delay in posting the last part of this - I had the whole thing written before starting to post and then a syncing glitch meant I lost the fic and all my notes.
> 
> I seem to be a much slower re-writer than I am a writer, but still, better late than never! Hope you enjoy it :)

Phil reaches his room, shuts the door behind him and flings himself onto his bed.

He feels awful; humiliated and full of regret. He’d known that letting his feelings get away from him wouldn't work out well, but he’d let himself go ahead with it anyway. It was the same old story, getting carried away, hoping things would be different this time round and then being brought back down to earth with a bump.

It's so frustrating, he has all these feelings for Dan and longs to be able to express them, but just not in the same way that everyone else does. There's this expected route that a relationship is supposed to follow and everyone else seems to be in agreement about what it is, but Phil just can’t get himself to comply.

In the past, after one too many awkward exits when things got too much for him, he’d wondered whether he ought to push aside the uncomfortable feelings and force himself to keep going anyway, but he just couldn’t do it. He didn’t really want to do that to himself and it didn’t feel fair to be deceitful about his feelings in that way. The thought does come back every now and then, though. Sometimes it seems like the only choices he has are to make himself fit in, or else to just accept he’ll spend the rest of his life alone.

A fresh wave of embarrassment hits him as he remembers the confused look on Dan's face when Phil’d suddenly leapt off of the sofa, almost knocking him to the ground in his panic. Phil knows Dan won’t want to stay here after how ridiculously he’s acted, he’ll probably be out of Rawtenstall on the first bus tomorrow morning and never look back.

Well, Phil thinks, at least that’ll give him a good few days of having the house to himself so he can mope around and lick his wounds before his parents come back. Last time this had happened, he hadn’t been able to hide how upset he was. His mum could see that his reaction wasn’t just that of someone who’d fallen out with a friend, and that was how her suspicions about his and Charlie’s relationship had been confirmed.

At the time he’d been glad for her gentle questions and the way she’d encouraged him to open up to her, it had felt like a relief to finally tell her that he had feelings for other boys and not have to keep it quiet any more. But he really didn’t want to have to explain another relationship disaster to his parents. He already worried enough about letting them down when it came to his work and career, or lack thereof. He didn’t want to be labelled as a failure when it came to relationships as well.

His connection with Dan had been a welcome distraction from all the real-life pressures he was feeling, it had given him something positive to look forward to after long days of scrolling through job adverts and filling in applications for jobs he wasn’t even sure he really wanted.

He wonders how Dan will act towards him once he gets home – will he cut Phil off completely, or will there be some awkward attempt at just being friends? Phil’s stomach lurches suddenly as another possibility comes to mind. Might Dan be so angry and upset that he’d take it out on Phil in some way? Maybe even say something about it online to humiliate him? Phil desperately hopes that won’t be the case, but he knows what Dan’s like, he isn’t a mean person but he’s sensitive and can be quick to anger, and sometimes acts on impulse without really thinking things through. If he feels hurt and rejected by Phil, is it possible he might react by wanting to make Phil hurt too?

Phil startles suddenly at the sound of a soft tap at his door, interrupting his spiral of thoughts.

“Phil?” He can just make out Dan’s muffled, hesitant voice. “Are you still awake?"

Phil can feel his heart suddenly beating very hard in his chest. What’s Dan doing up here? The last thing he’d expected was for Dan to appear at his door and want to talk. What's he going to say? Will he be angry with Phil, demand an explanation? Or maybe he’ll lay a guilt trip on him about Phil’s led him on and let him come all this way for no good reason.

"Phil?" Dan whispers again. "Can I come in? Your house is fucking terrifying and I really don’t want to go back downstairs on my own.”

He’s strongly tempted just to keep quiet and avoid the whole situation. He’s not good with putting his feelings into words at the best of times, let alone when he’s feeling so overwhelmed, but he knows that if they don’t have this conversation now, they’ll probably never talk about it again and any hope he might have had at salvaging a friendship with Dan would be lost.

He sits up and takes a deep breath.

“Yeah,” he calls to Dan, voice a little shaky. “You can come in.”

Dan pushes open the door and comes over to Phil’s bed, sitting down as Phil leans over and switches on his bedside lamp. He sees Dan illuminated in the soft glow, radiating tension and gnawing anxiously on his lower lip.

“Phil, I’m so sorry about just now,” Dan blurts out straight away. “You’ve made it clear all along that you just want to be friends, and then I had to ruin it by sticking my tongue down your throat. I feel so awful about it, I hope you don’t hate me?” Dan looks up at him, his eyes searching Phil’s face for any signs of anger or upset.

Phil is amazed at Dan’s words.

“Dan, you don’t need to apologise. I’m the one who freaked out and practically threw you off of the sofa,” Phil counters.

“No, I…I should have respected your boundaries and I didn’t, and I’m sorry for that. I can’t bear the thought that I’ve ruined our friendship by being so stupid.” Dan looks so forlorn that Phil rushes to reassure him.

“Dan, honestly, if I really hadn’t wanted you to kiss me, I would have stopped you. You didn’t force me into anything, I… I wanted it as much as you.” Phil can feel the heat on his cheeks, he always feels awkward talking about his feelings especially when it comes to relationship stuff.

Dan doesn’t look convinced at Phil’s words, the worry still written over his face.

Phil takes a deep breath. He knows he struggles to talk about what goes on for him when it comes to this stuff, but he thinks he owes it to Dan to at least try.

“The problem isn’t that I didn’t want to kiss you, it’s just that…that’s about as far as it goes for me.” Phil’s face is really burning now, and he’s grateful for the dimness of the light in the room. “It doesn’t matter how much I like someone, I just never feel like I want to take it further than that. I mean, I get it in theory, orgasms are good and most people want to share that experience with another person, but for me….I just don’t feel that way. I might have really strong feelings for someone, but it doesn’t ever lead to me wanting to… you know, um, touch their bits.”

God, this is humiliating, Phil thinks, but he’s come this far so he might as well carry on now.

“The reason I kept trying to put you off when you were flirting wasn’t because I wasn’t interested, but because I know what people want and need from a relationship and I know that what I’m comfortable with is just never enough for anyone. I’m never able to give them what they want and I couldn’t stand the thought of seeing the same look on your face as…”

Phil breaks off, hesitating.

“As what?” Dan prompts gently.

Phil can feel the lump in his throat, realises he might possibly be on the verge of tears but continues anyway. “As every other time this has happened, when someone finds out what’s wrong with me.” he says quietly, head down and not looking Dan in the eye.

A few moments go by, and then Dan opens his mouth and comes out with the last thing that Phil was expecting to hear.

“It doesn’t sound like there’s anything wrong with you to me,” Dan says, in a thoughtful voice. “It just sounds like maybe you’re asexual?”

Phil stares at Dan wide-eyed, trying to take in what he’s saying.

“What?” he says stupidly, blinking at Dan. “I… I don’t know what you mean.”

“Asexual,” Dan repeats. “You know, like how someone who’s attracted to the opposite sex is heterosexual, or to the same sex is homosexual, but if you don’t feel that way about anyone, it’s called asexual.”

Phil can’t quite believe what he’s hearing. Not only is Dan not freaking out or judging him, he actually seems to think the way Phil feels might be something real, something that maybe other people experience too.

“But I mean… I am attracted to people though, I just…”

Dan nods in agreement. “Yeah, but there’s different kinds of attraction. If you really like someone, want to be with them all the time, want to hold hands and go on dates and all that, then it might be that you’re romantically attracted to them, just without the sex bit.”

“How do you know about all this?” Phil asks in astonishment. “I’ve never heard of it.”

Dan shrugs. “When I was having problems with my girlfriend and was trying to figure out what was going on with me, I read a lot of stuff online about sexuality. When I admitted to myself that what I really liked most about sleeping with my ex was the feeling of closeness when we’d lie together in her bed afterwards, not really the sex itself, I started to wonder what that meant. Was I just kidding myself and not really into her at all? So that idea of romantic attraction but without the physical side was something that seemed to make sense to me.”

Phil feels like he might actually cry. His throat is tight and he feels a strange pressure in his chest.

When he’d first figured out he liked boys, he thought he’d have to spend his life hiding it away. But he’d got to the point where he understood that he’d never be happy living a lie and he’d started to open up, to find other people who felt like he did.

Then when he’d realised there was this other hurdle for him when it came to relationships, it was like he’d gone back to square one – feeling alone, ashamed and not knowing where to turn. It had been such a painful blow to have that new sense of community and belonging taken away from him. But from what Dan was saying, there might just be a chance that he could find people who really did feel the same way as him. It might take a while to get his head round it, but if this is real, if it has a name and people talk about it online then maybe, just maybe he might not be doomed to a life alone.

The relief that floods through him feels a little overwhelming and he tries hard to bring his emotions under control, looking up at the ceiling and blinking to head off the tears before they start to roll down his cheeks.

“Phil? Are you OK?” Dan asks hesitantly.

Phil clears his throat and waits a moment before starting to speak. “Yeah, it’s just a lot to take in. I mean, I’d got to the point of thinking that I’d never be able to have any of the relationship stuff if I wasn't able to do all of it. It never even occurred to me that other people might feel the same way as me."

He smiles ruefully. “I mean, probably not that many, statistically speaking, but there's got to be a chance at least? That I could find someone who wants what I want and I won't have to always be alone?”

Phil looks to Dan for reassurance. He isn’t quite sure what expression it is that he sees flit across Dan's face. Then he starts to speak.

“Or maybe you don’t need to find someone exactly like you.” Dan stares into Phil’s eyes, looking for some kind of confirmation there. “Maybe you just need to find someone who likes you so much that none of that other stuff really matters.”

Phil realises what Dan's saying and frowns a little.

“Dan…it’s easy to say things like that in the moment, but really, you need to find what’s going to make you happy, not try and fit yourself into what I might want or need.”

Dan shakes his head.

“No, you don’t understand, I’m not saying this lightly. I don’t really know everything about my sexuality, I’m still just trying to figure it all out. But what I do know is that I’ve never connected with anyone the way I’ve connected with you. I’ve spent my whole life feeling like I don’t really belong. Never being the son my parents seem to want, never being cool enough or tough enough to fit in at school. I feel like I’ve spent so long hiding and pretending just to get by, but I never feel that way with you. You just get me, the real me. I’ve never had that feeling before that I’m good enough for someone, just the way I am and that’s more important to me than anything else.”

Phil can hear the tremor in Dan’s voice as he talks, the vulnerability in his words and he’s overwhelmed with feeling for this boy who never seems to stop surprising him.

He pauses just a moment, then makes a decision. He scoots over to the far side of the bed, pulls open the covers and looks nervously over at Dan.

“Get in with me?” he asks.

A huge grin spreads over Dan’s face and he scrambles to join Phil under the duvet.

Phil smiles to himself as he reaches for Dan and pulls him close. He doesn't know what might happen in the future, what his and Dan's relationship might become, but he knows there's nowhere else he'd rather be right now than lying here together in each other's arms and slowly drifting off to sleep.

Phil had convinced himself that his only options in life were to live a lie, or to live alone.

But maybe, just maybe, he might be proven wrong.


End file.
